Cindy Gallop, creator of “social sex” site Make Love Not Porn, doesn’t care for any of these trivial thoughts. Gallop, who diverged from her lucrative advertising career to create what she calls a “social sex revolution,” wants to reshape the way we think about sex. How? By changing porn.
“The men I date tend to be in their twenties, and about 11 or 12 years ago I realized that I was experiencing what happens when today’s total freedom of access to hardcore porn online meets our society’s equally total reluctance to talking about sex openly and honestly,” she tells COOLS. “When those two things converge, porn becomes sex education by default, and not in a good way.”
And she’s 100% right. How many times have you gone home with someone you thought was finally “the one,” only for them to try and twist you like a pretzel and haul obscenities at you the minute you get in bed? Well, you can probably thank misogynist mainstream porn for that. To see things in a new light, we spoke to Gallop about the contrast between “real world sex” and porn, the trials and tribulations of the adult industry, and more.
What inspired you to create Make Love Not Porn?
“Make Love Not Porn was a complete and total accident. I never consciously set out to do this, but it came to my mind through my direct experience dating younger men. I found myself encountering a bunch of sexual behavioral memes talking about outlandish sexual acts that people pull out of nowhere, and it made me think that other people must feel the same way I do. I felt alone in my thoughts at first, because 11 years ago, no one was talking or writing about this. So I created a then-tiny, clunky site called Make Love Not Porn. It focused on the myths of porn and balanced them out with reality; the concept is porn world vs. real world.
“I launched the site at a TED conference in 2009, and I became the first and only speaker to say ‘cum on my face’ on the TED stage—I said it six times. The world responded, and I realized that this is a huge social issue around the globe. Today, Make Love Not Porn is the first and only social sex video sharing platform. We’re celebrating sex as a counterpoint to porn in order to make sex easier to talk about. We’re building this whole new category on the Internet:It’s what Facebook would be if it allowed you to self-express sexually. We’re promoting good sexual values and behavior, which we believe are needed now more than ever. Anybody can contribute and share their ‘real world’ sex, and we have a revenue-sharing business model. Our members pay to subscribe, rent, and stream social sex videos, and half of the income goes to our contributors—or, as we like to call them, our ‘Make Love Not Porn’ stars.”
We’re always so open about sharing our whole lives on social media, but we don’t really talk about sex. Why do you think that’s happening?
“It’s essentially because centuries of repression have tied sex with extreme amounts of guilt, shame, and embarrassment. Our parents learned that and they taught us that, and society conditions us to feel that way. This is exactly what I’m setting out to change;I want to create a ‘social sex revolution.’ The revolution part isn’t the sex, it’s the social conversation surrounding it.
“Since we don’t talk about sex, it’s a rampant insecurity for every single one of us. We all get vulnerable when we get naked, sexual egos become very fragile, and people find it bizarrely difficult to talk about it with the people they’re having it with, while they’re actually having it. In that situation, you’re terrified that if you say anything about what’s going on, afraid, you’ll potentially hurt the other person’s feelings and derail the encounter and, potentially, the entire relationship.
“Everybody wants to be ‘good’ in bed, but no one knows exactly what that means. Because parents rarely talk to children about sex, your friends aren’t fully honest about it, and your teachers never touched the subject, the only cues you’ll ever see and fully absorb are in porn. So, we all need to socialize and normalize it for all of us to have happier lives, at least sexually.”
How do you think porn and sex—whether you’re watching it or filming it yourself—can help, or ruin, your relationship?
“Let’s separate out porn, which is a formative and produced entertainment, from what we’re doing at MLNP, which is social sex. Social sex is essentially what you’re doing on every other social platform—you’re just cataloging your real-life sexual encounters, in all of its funny, messy, glorious humanness. We at MLNP are pro-sex, pro-porn, and pro-knowing the difference between the two.
“Porn is purely masturbation material. MLNP is not just that—our videos are reassuring, because we celebrate real-world everything: real-world bodies, hair, penis and breast sizes. You can talk all you’d like about body positivity and preach self-love, but nothing makes you feel great about your own body like watching people who are no one’s idea of an ‘aspirational’ body type getting turned on by each other and having a wonderful time in bed. Our mantra is that everybody’s body is beautiful when they’re having sex, and they truly are.
“We also know that sex isn’t always this perfectly choreographed scenario, so we celebrate the accidents and awkward messiness that happens during sex. If you only ever learn about sex from porn, then you’ll be taught that sex is a performance; that nothing must go wrong. But, if you can’t laugh at yourself in bed, when can you?”
There used to be such shame around having a sex tape, and it’s still a pretty taboo thing to have.
“The only woman with the sex tape that society actually still celebrates is Kim Kardashian. But, if you’re an ordinary person, it’s still a nightmare. One day, I want to live in a world where nobody has to worry ever again about a naked photograph or a sex tape getting leaked, solely because it is a natural human part of who you are. When you take all of the negative connotations out of sex, you completely diffuse revenge porn.”
What are some misconceptions about sex that you want to clarify through MLNP?
“Because of all of the negativity pinned to sex, we’ve defaulted it as a thing we do in the shadows. In reality, sex is part of our personality. Who we are sexually is such a fundamental part of our being, and it forms nearly everything about us: how we feel about ourselves, other people, our relationships, our lives, and our happiness. So, what we want to do with a social sex revolution is to bring all of this out in the open and let the world know that each and every one of us are sexual beings. Understanding and normalizing it is just a key part of being a fully-rounded human being, and accepting yourself as well as other people.
“One of the things we really want to debunk is the fact that people think that there is a ‘right’ way to have sex. Whether it’s a one-night stand or a long-lasting relationship, the key to great sex is great communication. When you feel able to talk about what you like doing, and when you’re comfortable to ask the other person what they like doing, you just get to a much better experience. There is no such thing as doing sex right, but you should be having sex that both of you enjoy. You get to that when you can talk about it.
“What MLNP is doing is also extremely relevant in the era of #MeToo. Right now, everybody’s talking, writing, and creating thoughtful think pieces about consent. But here’s the problem: Nobody knows what consent actually looks like in bed. There’s nothing out there that educates people about what is great consensual, communicative sex. Watching people having that kind of sex is one of the best ways, if not the best, to truly see that. MLNP is the only place on the Internet where you can do that. Every one of our videos is a lesson in consent—we’re education through demonstration, because you have to see it to be it.”
Why is it so hard for us to talk about sex, especially with our partners?
“I am my own research lab, and I’m very open about the fact that I date younger men, casually and recreationally—a lot of them simultaneously—and I see for myself exactly how this plays out in the real world all of the time. I always have those moments where I go to myself and think, ‘okay, we’re going to have to talk about this.’ The way I advise women to have these conversations is this: The single biggest turn on in the world is to be in bed with somebody else to know that they’re having a bloody amazing time because of you. That is all anybody ever wants: Your partner wants to know that he has enabled you to have an amazing time in bed. Phrase the conversation in terms of, ‘I would so love it if we could do X.’
I feel like our society is still so prudish in talking about sex, and about having sex in general. Bringing in anything new, like a vibrator, can shock a lot of people.
“The key thing is that anything that enhances the experience makes your partner feel way better instantly, especially when they see the impact that it has on you. Also, by the way, I have my top three verbal tips for things you might want to say in bed: slower, gently, and ‘don’t touch me down there until I’m begging you to.’
“Also, another important tip: There’s no such thing as too much lube. Lube is your best friend, so have it by the bed at all times and use a ton of it.”
What’s the difference between a sex tape and porn, in your perspective?
“Porn is manufactured, produced, and performative entertainment.That’s also what amateur porn is: In amateur porn, quite often the ‘amateurs’ will replicate the professionals because they think that’s what people want to see. I have a huge issue with the term ‘amateur,’ because it implies that the only people doing sex right are the pornographic professionals. That could not be farther from the truth.
“With social sex videos on MLNP, they’re simply you doing the same exact thing you do when you spontaneously record a video of your birthday party, or when you’re on holiday. It’s basically about having the same sex you’re having in the real world, but propping your phone or webcam up. We’re fully aware of the fact that when you’re filming yourself, you’re going to be self-aware and a little different in comparison to you being off camera. So, we have a ‘how-to’ on our blog to make sure you can create a video that’s as spontaneous, real, and genuine as possible. All we ask is that you don’t edit or cut out anything, and that’s why our videos range from four minutes to two hours.
“We want to see the context. Real world sex has relationships and a backstory, so we tell our MLNP stars to get the camera rolling as early as possible because it’s fun to see how they get turned on. We want to see the kissing and cuddling. And leave the camera running as long as possible afterwards, because we want to see the aftermath—the conversations, the shower. It’s a window into the real world. The reason ‘amateur’ is the biggest growth section in porn has nothing to do with porn; it has everything to do with the fact that everybody wants to know what everyone else is really doing in bed.”
During our last chat, you told me about how porn stars have completely different sex with their real-life partners vs. when they’re doing their job. Could you elaborate on that?
“We have a very unique category on MLNP, which is what I wanted to have from the inception. It’s the only place on the Internet where porn stars share videos of the sex they have off-set. Porn stars have real sex too, and it’s completely different from what they perform professionally. On MLNP, you’ll see all kinds of porn stars, both straight and within the LGBTQ+ community, sharing videos of the sex they have in the real world with their real partners.
“One of our MLNP stars, who is also a professional porn star, is Kimberly Kane. She shares videos of the real-world sex she has with her wonderful boyfriend, Drew, and they’re madly in love. There’s a fantastic video that Kimberly shared on the site, and she describes it as a love letter to Drew. In this video, she gives him a blowjob and then he cums on her face. I would love people to watch that video because, when you watch that real-world sex video, you see for yourself the enormous difference between cumming on someone’s face in porn and cumming on someone’s face when you’re in a loving, consensual relationship.”
Why do you think mainstream porn still tends to backtrack to sexist, misogynistic ideals, especially during a time where society claims to be so “progressive”?
“First, it’s very important to not to talk about porn as if it’s one big homogenous mass. That’s like using the word ‘literature’ to say that all books are the same thing. Porn is as infinitely various as literature, and there are many different genres to it. I think what you’re talking about is mainstream porn, a.k.a. the kind people see on cheap or free sites. I get called by journalists who say, ‘Cindy, do you feel like porn objectifies women?’ And I say that any industry dominated by men inevitably produces output that is objectifying and offensive to women.
“I have a project that I would love to do one day, where I take the homepage of one of the major porn sites and replicate it, reshooting every single video still with the genders flipped. I troll porn sites on Twitter—let’s say Brazzers, for example—and they’ll tweet about a blow bang. I’ll tweet back and say ‘Hey Brazzers, I want to see a female version of that. I want a lip bang.’ I want to see a still of a naked man on his knees beaming with joy while a bunch of women, naked from the waist down, circle around him and shove their pussies in his face. You see what I mean? When you flip the genders, you see how ridiculous the male perspective is, especially in porn.
“Everything that worries me about porn is entirely driven by business reasons, and therefore requires business solutions. The thing that frustrates me is that I fight an enormous battle every day to build MLNP, because every piece of business infrastructure is something that other tech start-ups can take for granted. I can’t because the small print always says ‘No adult content;’ I can’t get funded, I can’t get banked, I can’t get the paperwork fully fleshed out. We need to open up to funding sites like mine in order to reshape the industry. Suppressing us will only make change come at an even slower pace, and many of us are trying to start these sites for the better of the industry. We need investors to open up and let us do business the same way everyone else does. When we’re able to do that, the landscape of the adult industry can be completely changed. The only way to stop a bad guy with a business is a good guy with a better business.”
Do you think society will ever get to a point where we can have a normal conversation about porn, especially in public?
“Don’t wait for things to change, I make them change. So, one of the things I say to women is, if they’d like to see the kind of porn they’d enjoy watching, and if they’d like to make the porn industry more feminist, there are things that they can do to make that happen. First off, talk openly about the fact that you enjoy watching porn. We all do, so there’s no point in hiding it. It’s so important to talk about because there is this ludicrous, sexist, patriarchal notion in society that labels porn for men and men only. When women talk openly about watching porn, the porn industry has to sit up and take notice.
“Second, recommend the porn that you like to your girlfriends, strangers, just about everyone. Porn lacks socially acceptable curation and navigation—there’s no Yelp for porn. Because porn needs that word of mouth navigation, it’s very difficult, especially for women, to find porn they’d enjoy watching. We need our friends to recommend porn in the same way that they recommend everything else.
“The third micro-action that you can do is to invite your sexual partner to watch the kind of porn you like watching. I have a problem with the terms ‘porn for women’ and ‘feminist porn,’ and I have many female friends in the industry that describe themselves as feminist pornographers. My issue isn’t with how they define themselves, it’s that the moment you say it’s ‘feminist’ or ‘for women’ porn, nobody wants to watch it. You instantly marginalize that porn, and that’s a problem because men have no idea how hot, arousing, and innovative they would find it. So, you should invite your partner to watch, because it will be a revelation to them. That’s how you can change men’s taste from the stuff they see in mainstream porn.
“The final micro-action is to make the porn you want to see in the world. Become a pornographer. I work alongside MLNP to support myself as a business consultant and public speaker, and I meet so many people who say to me, ‘I really wanted to make porn,’ but they’ve either investigated it and found that they live in a country where the laws make it very difficult to make it happen, or they just couldn’t bring themselves to take that next step. But, I know there are a ton of people out there who have an individual creative vision they want to bring to porn. Just start making it. You can start with filming yourself, no need to send it out into the world until you’re comfortable. If you’re new to it, you’ll find that filming yourself either by yourself or with a partner will be a very life-changing experience. I say to women: be the porn you want to see in the world”