Oh, no. You’re super rich (but, like, still not as rich as Jerrod). You never took school seriously (class is mad overrated). You’d rather be working on your mixtape or YouTube channel (it’s not like you were going to be an investment banker, anyway!). But your stupid parents want you to get an education (they don’t get it). And not just any education (ugh). A smart people education! An Ivy League education! How do they not understand that creatives don’t need tertiary learning? And now your Instagram comments are blowing up (and not in a good way) because mom and dad had to go and drop a cool $500k to bribe the college admissions office to let you in. It sucks (and the FBI arrested mom). But more importantly: At a time like this, what does one wear?
The nationwide FBI sting targeting parents who paid off teenagers to pretend to be their children, SAT test proctors, and admissions officers just so their less-than achieving offspring could get into a good college is one of the greatest stories in recent memory—even the Gossip Girl writers couldn’t have dreamed up something so outrageous. Famous vloggers, celebrity arrests, “Rah Roh!” and now, a kid whose parents were indicted, smoking weed and plugging his rap career outside his MoMA-overlooking apartment.
Malcolm Abbott, who raps under the name ‘Billa,’ apparently didn’t go to college but was defending his family’s decision to buy his sister’s admission (both parents are currently out on $500,000 bail) to The New York Post.
“They’re blowing this whole thing out of proportion. I believe everyone has a right to go to college, man,” said Abbott before plugging his “CD” Cheese and Crackers, a project that allegedly includes a song titled “If I Lost My Money.”
Billa’s sartorial choices for the incident (he addressed press in a black puffer, with his hair styled in a low ponytail), while weather-appropriate, leave a lot to be desired. And while there’s no specific rulebook on how to best present oneself on an apology tour, if you’re a child of college scammers, here’s what you might want to avoid wearing:
1. Peep-toe pumps
There’s just something about an open-toe and stiletto that screams, “I’m under-qualified for college, but would be great at bottle service at 1OAK.”
2. Any Italian designer
3. Your Cartier lock bangle
It just doesn’t send the right message.
4. A half hoodie-half denim jacket
It’s very Ryan-from-Chino in The O.C., therefore coming in slightly too hot.
5. An Opening Ceremony varsity jacket (instead of the letterman jacket of the USC crew team your parents bribed to get you in on an athletic scholarship, even though you had never rowed crew)
Check out Cheese and Crackers, below.