Rachel Bloom Sings About Kegels for Allure

Rachel Bloom, the creative mastermind behind the CW’s show “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend,” is Allure‘s fall digital cover star. Bloom is a force of kinetic energy and in her interview, she discusses how she uses the TV show as a vehicle to push the conversation forward about oft-taboo subjects like mental health, the damages of capitalism and it’s prescriptive beauty standards.


In tackling those issues, she’s not blindly unaware of her own privileges in life.


“I think that there’s this narrative [that] I was a ‘self-starter,’ and yes, I made my own Internet videos and I worked incredibly hard and persevered, but let’s zoom out for a second,” she tells Allure. “I was raised in LA, [the only child of] two parents who encouraged me to pursue the arts, and encouraged me that women could do anything.”


Rachel Bloom Sings About Kegels for <i>Allure</i>


It’s a rarefied (and refreshing) thing to see a celebrity openly acknowledge her own “leg ups” and even the amount she makes per episode (somewhere around $60,000) for Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. “We should just be open about money,” Bloom said. “I think being secretive about money is how inequalities perpetuate, and how women don’t learn to ask for what they want or what they deserve.”


The kicker came when Bloom performed a song she wrote for the magazine in a video. Watch it below and follow along with Bloom as she sings about kegels and Angelina Jolie’s hair with equal fervor.



Full Lyrics:


When I was 17
fashion magazines
told me a lot of things about what to be
Get Angelina’s red-carpet tresses
in just three easy steps
Learn these Kegels and you’ll cum from just a heavy breeze


But now that I’m on the cover of Allure
Here’s some hot tips you maybe haven’t heard before
(Or maybe you’ve heard them before, just pretend you haven’t heard them before, I needed a good rhyme for Allure)




You’ll never get Angelina’s tresses
Angelina couldn’t get those tresses
those tresses were done by experts, and it took three hours
and cost $3,000


Cum however you want to
with spots E, F, or G
but FYI most women can’t cum just vaginally
All orgasms come from the clit,
even vaginal ones
(the nerves are based in the clit)


And finally


There’s so much more to say about the male gaze
and the idea of beauty being women’s main duty
but I don’t wanna diminish these subjects while I hardly finish
so wear makeup if you want
and clothes if you want
but take it all with a grain of salt
’cause you’re alive in an age post-invention of penicillin
and anesthesia
so you’re fine

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