The Real Guide To Dating Girls Based On Their Nails

You have to hand it to ’em: bros really do think they know best. The latest comes via an Orange County-native, who decided to create a manifesto on manicures to prevent his fellow men from dating any ‘crazy’ women.

That’s right, in case you hadn’t heard, ladies, your nail shape, style, and color are in direct correlation with your personality, as well as your mental and emotional state. Of course. The 26-year-old uploaded the six pages of (laminated) A4 paper to Instagram and immediately saw viral results. Marwan Alteir claims to have spent “countless hours” researching and coordinating with “bros around the world” to create Nails At First Sight: Survival Guide 101. Forget therapy or just bad luck, nail analysis apparently is your only hope in avoiding dating a bonafide psychopath.

Structured like a video game, each nail style (from clipped and gel colored, all the way to pointy, decorated acrylics) have their own statistics delineating the women’s health, wealth, and willingness to weaponize their nails. The danger zones include bright primary colors — who would’ve thought! — with yellow coming in as the riskiest of all.

“Get health insurance if you know you’re partying and you’re hanging out with them,” Alteir advises. “If she has the courage to get yellow nails, she has the courage to chop up your balls.”

Girls with “regular nails” apparently enjoy brunch on Sundays, LuluLemon and a nice pumpkin spice latte, whereas “long nail”d women are heartbreakers who only drink Hennessey or tequila and will “fight to the death,” and those with “medium nails” allegedly primarily have messy cars.