Hello everyone! The New Year is almost upon us and I know what you’re thinking; wasn’t it just yesterday that we were making fun of preppers making bunkers to hide out in when Y2K hit? It’s been 18 years since the turn of the millennium! But time marches on and every year we seem to get more sexual and more technological. In order for you to keep up with the Usain Bolt levels of progress the collective perv mind is creating, I have compiled a list for you. You’re welcome.
All over the world people are perfecting the art of making the ideal sex doll. Why? Because women with thoughts, opinions, and better things to do than inhale penii on demand are a pain in the tuchus. These dolls can be heated and custom-scented. They have limbs that can hold positions and faces so realistic you start to have an existential crisis when you think, “What exactly is it that makes me better than this silent, hairless, basking shark-mouthed, penis fly trap?” My on-demand dirty joke repertoire?…. My ability to get upgraded at hotels and for flights using sheer charisma?…..The sound of my beating heart? Who are we kidding? I don’t stand a chance.
Vibrating/natural/colored/ribbed Condoms
They took something as popular as Martin Shkreli at a Wu-Tang concert and gave it a little colorful top hat and cane so maybe, just maybe, all of us heathens will stop using the prayer method and actually protect ourselves. Hurray!
Yoni Eggs/Keegal Weights
Could your V use a workout? Is fat pussy a bad or good thing? Unclear. This is more about health than anything else because it prevents problems like a prolapsed uterus, and other cornucopias of problems we women face throughout our lives dealing with our little shop of horror (#eatme.) Everyone I know has some sort of weird egg, weight, or ball to keep that shit tiiiite (pronounced like Chris Tucker in Friday). This practice dates back 5,000 years when Chinese courtesans would use them to harness their Yonis (sacred space) power. Basically, you get a set of three different-sized eggs made of different stone (rose, quartz and jade are the most popular) and you practice flexing your kegel muscles by holding in this egg… ALL DAY! I guess you Goldilocks them until you find the one that’s just right? Start with a vagine as roomy as a tagine, end with one tighter than Honey Boo Boo’s pageant dresses.
Clone a Dick
Do you find yourself only dating people with jobs like “DJ,” “famous movie star,” or “married,” and you have to wait an excruciatingly long period between your snuggle sessions? Are you in a long distance relationship and want to keep a piece of your partner with you at all times? Then you need to clone a dick! For only $39.99* you, too, can have a wonderful night at home pouring plaster on your partner’s naughty bits, laughing while they painfully try to remove the excess plaster from their pubic hair. But wait there’s more! For only two easy payments of $19.95,* you can have this physical representation of their disco stick, which you can then compare to the real dildo you have hidden in your closet. Sadly, more often than not, this will lead you to wish you had made better life choices. Even worse, you may then start to follow a bunch of fitspiration super-sloots so you can finally get black men to notice you instead of thinking you’re Casper the friendly ghost, due to the lack of junk in your trunk.
*plus shipping and handling
High-end Bluetooth Enabled Sex Toys
There are all kinds of ways to show off your Scrooge McDuck vaults of gold coins…There are the material things like wait-listed handbags, red-soled shoes, and/or you can go the bod mod route like getting a nose you could ski off of or fluffy bean bag chair lips OR you can class it up in much more discreet ways like… fancy sex toys! I’ve seen vibrators with handles of 24k gold with inlaid diamonds that connect to bluetooth and allow your partner to control the frequency when you’re apart.* They can also connect to apps so you can track your usage! Unclear if anyone would ever want to know the amount of time/energy they’ve invested in vibrators. Watch me be at a Malcolm Gladwell genius level.
Not familiar with 3D printing? It’s like actual magic. You can load a cad design into a machine that makes your creation with combinations of tiny drops of plastic and Tinkerbell tears. So if you’re bored of the products you’re seeing in your local adult store, get custom, baby! You can create anything your perverted little mind can muster up. Better yet, you’ll have a reason to join a makerspace! Hanging out with San Fran-looking robot humans who “run,” and “don’t drink anymore because it gets in the way of my mountain biking,” AND do things like “make my own honey.” I imagine them to be 27-year-old Silicon Valley execs with a penchant for Patagonia tearaway pants and multiple commas in their savings accounts. Can you imagine how much fun those schmucks are having making all their dickhead dreams become a reality?? I am the most jelly.
Vegan Lubricant
The meatless Bone is all the rage for 2018. Want to make your V like a Six Flags water park but don’t want to harm little fluffy animals in the process? Well goody for you, because the great gods of capitalism have produced about a million new options to keep that V as fresh as Will Smith in ’98.
Just when you thought things couldn’t get any more politically correct, now all the toys we put in our butts can be gender whatever! Similar to the gender-neutral toys we give babies, just way, way, way more fun. Featuring non-offensive colors and non-specific uses. It reminds me of a 2 for 1 buffet special at the Golden Corral since you AND your partner can use it. Nothing better than sex toys that remind you of Southern buffets.
After months of Jane Goodall-like research, I have bad news and good news; soon, almost every man you know will be nothing but a wasted husk, following pied piper digital mirages into the darkest depths of the virtual world, coming so much that puffs of sawdust replace their ejaculate. What’s the good news? Soon, women will be left alone to run the world, finally having the time can clean up the fucking mess testosterone has left us in. This is for people who think, boy do I like sex, but boy do I hate humans!
Well never fear, virtual reality is here! How does it work? By using dozens of camera lenses to record the same scene from hundreds of angles. Then the takes are Frankensteined together, and the viewer gets a 240-degree view of the room, and an instant feeling that the end of the world is near and human interaction is pretty much pointless. Not surprisingly, views of VR porn are up 275% this year. Pretty soon we’re all gonna turn into those Matrix larvae humans, generating electricity for our computer hosts, lost in a digital prison of our own creation. #deep
The Ides of March has come, but this time Caesar’s getting it right in the tuchus, instead of the back. If you’re not familiar with pegging, let me put it more simply. YOU GET TO SCHTUP YOUR DUDE IN THE BUTT. The only trick is, you need a trough of lube, a bottle of 18-yr Macallan, a big artificial meat stick + strap-on belt, and a piece of wood to shove in his mouth, (a la limb amputation in the Civil War…)
My guess is it’s not gonna be pretty, but either way, I would recommend taking pictures for blackmail in case he tries to break up with you.
Editor’s note: Have you ever tried therapy but it was max expensive, and yet somehow their shoes looked cheap and you were like “fuck it, I’ll just buy two bottles of red wine and get take out with a girlfriend; she’ll give me better advice anyway.” Weird…me too. Well, pegging could be a good alternative for you. What better way to get out some of that pent-up aggression you have from living in NYC too long? Being bounced around subway cars during your morning commute like a ping pong ball because you’re trying to hold onto the smallest possible square inch of the car so you don’t get AIDS of the hand. #alternativetherapy
I can’t get away from this fucking fad. Bored of your significant other and probably need to break up with them but too chicken-shit? Then this is the place for you. No better way to destroy a perfectly good relationship than holding your partner’s hand while you watch them get their tonsils reorganized by a stranger! There are tons of super-sly, chic members-only NYC sex parties for those sneetches with stars upon thars. I’m going to be making a list for all of you but be aware, most of them make you send a photo and fill out questionnaires, so if your face looks like a Picasso and acid, don’t even bother.
E.L. James, the woman who wrote 50 Shades of Gray, is the world’s top-grossing author right now. Bringing in a whopping 95 million dollars this year, it’s clear that kink is SO much more popular than you think! It makes me so, so happy to think that women who look like Roseanne are dreaming of a day when handsome Wall Street types take off their belts and ties, using them to be strung up like a Christmas honey ham. This has been the trend for years and will continue to be popular well into the future because Americans are so sexually repressed by shame and puritanical upbringings that to enjoy sex, we literally need someone to beat it out of us. #sad
Now I know what you may be thinking, Zoe, I’m a nice person. I love quiet, sensual, normal sex. I don’t need any of these new-fangled gadgets and gizmos aplenty. Nor do I want whoozit’s and what’s it’s galore. I don’t want me OR my partner to turn into a Matrix blob of human-wearing goggles that allow us to virtually cheat on one another.
Well, too bad Pollyanna. Perhaps back in the days when we all lived in a little house on the prairie, where our sole means of excitement was making maple candy and embroidering…But unfortunately for you, the internet and technology have reduced our once Krang-like brains into high-functioning Tapioca, and most people have the same size attention span as Danny Devito; so unless you want your partner to start secretly seeing a dominatrix so they can finally get their rocks off after your slow, meaningful snoozefest, this is your only option. And so it goes….and good luck!
Zoe poses at the Real Doll booth at the 2017 New Jersey Exxotica Expo